


Rain

by smokeandmirrorscloakanddagger



Series: Bucky/Reader [7]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Abandonment, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Light Angst, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Insert, Smut, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-07 19:46:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11065854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smokeandmirrorscloakanddagger/pseuds/smokeandmirrorscloakanddagger
Summary: After a summer rain and a night of love-making Bucky and the reader share a quiet moment.OrBecause of abandonment issues the reader doesn't think she's good enough.





	1. Rain

**Author's Note:**

> I would love to know what you think! 
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3
> 
> [Follow me on Tumblr!](http://smokeandmirrorscloakanddagger.tumblr.com/)  
> We can be friends! I want to start taking requests!

Warm yellow light filters in the half-closed blinds of Y/N’s room. Something sways with the light, makes it dance in waves across the wooden floor. She opens her eyes. The windows are open, the gauzy, light curtains floating in the breeze.

The light wind caresses her skin and her throat tightens.

She hadn’t meant for last night to happen. She hadn’t meant to let the Winter Soldier see her soul. When Y/N had invited him out to stay at her house for a few days, both as a favor to Steve and because she adored Bucky, she hadn’t thought it would come to this. She hadn’t thought it would lead to him taking her heart and soul and body. Y/N had thought that Bucky would want to spend his time alone out in her little house on the lake. That was the point, of course, get the soldier to relax, help with the numbing nightmares, give him some much needed relief from duty.

But instead he had stayed with her, spent all his time with her. And she really couldn’t figure out why. Soon a few days turned into two weeks. They went fishing and berry picking and sunbathing (or rather Bucky sunbathed and Y/N laid in the cool safety of the shadows of the nearby trees). They went swimming in the lake. They cooked together.

And then yesterday afternoon they had went on a walk. That was when everything changed. One minute they were laughing and talking and the next he was kissing her, pushing her up against a tree and kissing whatever part of her skin he could reach with his lips. He murmured that he loved her, that he always had, and that had been enough for her to let him lie her down on his discarded t-shirt right there in the forest and take her softly.

She had come so hard she had been dizzy but Bucky had only kissed her forehead and laid there in the grass with her, nuzzling into her neck. To add to the cliché it had then started to rain. A sweet, light summer rain that cleansed their skin and cooled their bodies. Bucky had whispered it was a blessing, if she believed in that sort of thing, and Y/N let him whisper it, let herself believe it just for a second. She let herself believe his love was real, let him redress her and hold her hand as they walked back to her house in that warm, gentle rain. And then she let him take her damp clothes off again when they reached the house, let him take her apart again and shatter her soul, her very being.

When she cried he had kissed her tears away and let her see his own.  _I love you_ , he had whispered to her as he thrust slowly into her.  _You understand me. You accept me. I love you. I love you._

Again and again and again. He said it so many times she lost count.

Later that night when the storm came, after they had lain there for hours talking and tracing each other’s skin and whispering sweet nothings and making wild plans to run away and do this forever, they had made love again.

Only this time it wasn’t making love. It was fucking. Rough and hard and desperate. His hand had been wrapped around her throat. He had left bruises on her skin. On her wrists and hips and thighs and breasts. He had been careful with her throat though, the only bruises he left there were from his mouth. His hand had been light, testing, and she hadn’t pushed him, had let him take whatever he wanted.

This time he had spoken to her too. His voice wrecked and desperate.

_Mine, mine, mine. You are mine. Say it. Say you’re mine._

_I’m yours. I’m yours._

He had thrust harder. Thunder had rumbled, the wind had whipped, and lighting had licked across the sky.

In the darkness of her bedroom the curtains had lashed in the wind, the candles lit around the room had guttered, and she had come. And then again and still another time before he had flipped her and taken her from behind.

He had pulled her up so her back was against his chest and hooked his arm through her elbows. The room had been filled with thunder and low moans and the slap of skin on skin. But his lips had been at her shoulders, kissing and licking, tasting her salty skin, tasting the result of his roughness, his desperation.

_Say it. Say it again._

_I’m yours._

But Bucky had never once said he was _hers_. And she knows now, as she watches the sunlight dance on the floor and revels in the soreness of her muscles, that she isn’t. She isn’t his. He doesn’t want her.

The convenience of her body and her kindness are all too obvious.

How could someone really love her after all? Everyone she had ever known had abandoned her, left her when they realized her disvalue. Her heart trips in her chest, over her wounded past and the ache of love she feels for the soldier next to her.

She decides then that she won’t say anything to him. Even if her throat aches and her lips tremble, she won’t. Because Bucky Barnes, if no one else in the whole world, deserves a little love, however temporary, until he found the person he wanted to love him forever. She would gladly give him that small reprieve even if it meant shattering her own battered heart again and again and again.

When he came with a low groan he had been inside her as he was the other times. He had let her down carefully where she curled in a tight, exhausted ball. Never in her life had she came that many times. Bucky had collapsed behind her and traced her skin with suddenly gentle fingertips. He had winced in her ear.

_I hurt you, didn’t I?_

_No, never._

Metal fingers had caressed a purple circle imprinted on her hip.

_Promise me?_

_I promise._

She loves him. But she knows how this goes. The birds are chirping outside the window. Her muscles ache. Her heart does even more.

Y/N thinks she should probably get up and spare Bucky the embarrassment of trying to explain it all away, spare him of the awkwardness of explaining that he hadn’t meant it and that he likely never would. She should spare herself the disappointment despite knowing what was going to happen. _Heat of the moment. You were there. You let it happen. Can we be friends?_ Only for him to never speak to her again, never even glance in her direction.

And that’s what’ll hurt the most. The fact that he wouldn’t want to be her friend anymore and that she would always be _his_.

Y/N starts to wiggles out of bed when a voice stops her. “Doll?”

She freezes. Her fingers dig into the sheets as she squeezes her eyes shut. Her back is to him and she doesn’t say anything.

A finger touches her spine and she jolts. The hand is quickly withdrawn. “Sorry,” he whispers. Y/N’s breathing is shallow. “Where-,” he swallows thickly, “-where are you going?”

A few minutes pass in which Y/N lies stiffly in the bed hoping that Bucky will fall back asleep so that she can leave the bedroom, escape, let him leave without her being witness to it. A few minutes pass in which every wrong thing he could have done the night before passes through Bucky’s head. He had thought everything went well as unexpected as it had been. “Y/N, darlin’, please. You’re scaring me a little.”

That gives her the kick she needs to sit up quickly and reach down to the floor for her shorts. All she comes up with is Bucky’s ruined shirt from the forest and the rain and them. It’s all right there. Them together written on his shirt. She feels nauseous and lets it slide through her fingers.

She clears her throat but her voice still cracks and wavers when she speaks.

“It’s okay, Bucky.” She watches the trees sway through the window. Y/N can sit there naked with the window wide open as the house is in the middle of nowhere with no one to see her and no one to watch her. “You don’t have to…explain. I understand. It was a mistake. That’s okay. I was just going to shower so that you could leave quietly. I know how awkward these things can be.”

His heart is breaking. He had said  _I love you_  and now- “Mistake?” Hadn’t she said that she loves him too? But no, she hadn’t, only that she was his.

“You don’t have to explain yourself. It’s okay.”

Bucky sits up, the sheet pools around his waist. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to be explaining.” She doesn’t look at him, only sits with her shoulders bowed and head down. “Y/N, please look at me.”

Y/N can’t deny him and so she does. She meets his eyes and says, “I know it didn’t mean anything. You don’t have to tell me.”

He stares at her bewilderedly until she turns away in shame.

Bucky can’t have that though. He can’t have her believe that he had used her hospitality and kindness for her body. Only to abandon her the next morning. He shakes his head and moves behind her. He wraps one arm around her waist and tugs her down onto the bed again.

“Babydoll. How can you think that? After the last two weeks?” He kisses the back of her neck gently and Y/N’s heart shatters again. “Please don’t think that.” He stills behind her suddenly, “I hurt you, didn’t I? You’re trying to get rid of me politely.” Something in his belly lurches. She’s covered in little bruises. “Oh God.”

“No.” Her voice is hard and she turns to look into his eyes. “No. I promise.”

He reaches up to caress her face, fear starting to creep into his veins. “Then what’s wrong sweetheart?”

Y/N looks into his eyes. “I don’t want to watch you leave. I love you and I have for some time and I don’t want to watch you walk away. I love you and you don’t love me. That is how this goes. That’s how it’s always went.”

“But I do love you.” He whispers, thumb caressing her cheek. “I do love you. I-I wanted you and I to stay right here all day. I wanted to wake up and kiss you and laugh. I wanted to wake up and part those pretty thighs of yours and kiss you and taste you until my lips went numb. I wanted to make love to you slow and lazy and tell you how much I love you. How much you mean to me and how you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Before or after the fall I’ve never met anyone so sweet. And instead I wake up to you trying to leave. And now I’m hearing it’s because you think I think this was a mistake? That I didn’t mean it? That I used you?”

Her eyes water as she glances away. “Everyone else has.”

“Look at me.” She does. “I’m not everyone.” He presses his forehead against hers. “I’m not everyone and I would never do that to you.”

Y/N leans forward and presses her lips against his. “It’s just that everyone else has. No one wants me for good. At least not like that.”

“I do,” he says fervently. “I do. I meant it. I mean it.”

She nods.

For a moment they just lie with Bucky holding her face, stroking gentle circles into her skin. Then he slips one hand down between them, teasing her until she’s wet and needy. He kisses her hard through it all, swallowing her moans one after another, swallowing her pleas with pleasure.

He slips two fingers into her and curls them, making her wiggle her hips against his hand. “Please Buck,” she whispers, twisting her fingers into his hair. “I need you.”

“I know, doll. I got you. Relax, sweetheart. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Please,” she says again. “Please, _please_.”

Bucky shushes her again and encourages her to put her leg over his hip. “Ready?” She only whines and so he takes his cock in his hand and guides himself to her entrance.

He pushes in slowly, aware that she needs time to adjust to his size. He makes love to her slowly, keeping his eyes on her the whole time. Their hips roll together gently, deeply. When she starts to get close he asks her to open her eyes. “I wanna see you, sugar. I wanna see those pretty eyes when you come for me.”

That’s all it takes to have her eyes roll back and her walls clench around him. A few seconds later he comes, his hand presses to the small of her back, pushing her closer and closer.

_I love you._

_I know._

_Will you say it back?_

“I love you.” Y/N smiles. “I love you.” Then, for good measure, she asks, “Will you stay?”

“Doll,” he whispers, a deep fondness in his eyes. “I’m never gonna leave.”

In the yellow of a new day's sun after summer rain and night full of storms he says, _I_ _promise._


	2. Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One year later Y/N is pregnant and the sun still shines.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This just came to me and I had to write it. I hope you guys like it. 
> 
> Let me know what you think! Thanks for reading!

He doesn’t stop back at the compound after missions anymore, only if it’s absolutely necessary and medical treatment can’t be avoided. Today he doesn’t deem it necessary and the team finds it impossible to make him stay after debrief.

Instead he goes straight to Y/N’s house, or rather what has become his and Y/N’s house.

Yellow light spreads like butter across her entrance hall, Bucky’s shadow marring the afternoon light. Warm summer air presses at his back, makes him come inside and close the door. Bucky calls out to her but gets no response. The living room and kitchen are coated in the same fluttering golden light. There are ingredients out for a pie on the counter but no sign of Y/N.

His heart seizes as he calls out again and still gets no response.

He’s out the back door in a second, making his way through the woods that surrounds her house, down the path they always take for their walks, looking for any sign of a struggle. He doesn’t bother with being quiet, twigs snapping underfoot as leaves crackle and crunch.

Just when he’s about to start really panicking and considering calling Steve he hears her. “Bucky?” It’s just like her to find him first when he’s the one looking for her, but relief floods him all the same.

“Doll?” He turns in a circle and catches sight of her peeking out from behind a tree. “Y/N.” In two long strides he has his arms around her. His soul settles again as he kisses the top of her head.

She pulls away from his chest worriedly as his hand goes to her stomach, smoothing circles over her summer dress. “What’s wrong? You haven’t even changed.” Her fingers catch on the straps of his leather tactical vest. “Are you okay?”

“You can’t run off like that Y/N. I-,”

“I’m fine. I’m here. I was just picking berries. You aren’t supposed to be back for a few days anyways.” She reaches down to her feet to pick up the basket of freshly picked raspberries when Bucky beats her to it. “Bucky!”

He wraps an arm around her back and leans down to kiss her softly. “I’m sorry, sugar. You know I worry. I came home and you weren’t in the house.”

“Well if I’m to make pie-,” Bucky kisses her lips again and then her cheek. “- _which_ I was planning to make for when you got home.” She continues when he pulls away from her.

He tugs her along, back toward the house, “Are you finished picking? Do you need help?”

She huffs out a slightly exasperated and annoyed breath, “I supposed I’m finished, James Barnes.”

“Are you alright to walk?”

“I’m three months along! Of course I can walk.” Y/N is rather fed up with Bucky about the whole thing. Tony had given her paid time off already, told her to stay away from the compound and the city and everywhere really, mostly confining her to the house. They all seemed to be terribly afraid that something would happen to her or their baby. Really it was more of the team’s baby then hers and Bucky’s at this point.

They start back up the path to the house, Bucky keeping one hand on the small of her back, his other occupied with the basket full of berries.

When they’ve been walking a few minutes Y/N gasps and points. “Look Buck! It’s our tree.”

He chuckles, “You know it’s here, darlin’.”

“I know. I still like to look at it.” Her hand comes down to cover his on the basket as she looks at the tree they had made love underneath for the first time. “Reminds me of that first time.” A blush coats her cheeks. “You were so good to me and I was so afraid it didn’t mean anything.”

Bucky smirks and leans down to kiss her. “It meant everything.”

She pulls him closer to the tree and traces over their initials carved there, soft smile on her face. “Who would’ve thought we’d be having a baby?”

“I did. And you should have too. I always tell you how much I love you-,”

“Hush,” she whispers, still grinning.

He only continues, “So, of course, we’d end up with a product of our love.” Her cheeks are flaming now. “Plus I think we’ve made love everywhere possible in your house, so it was only a matter of time.”

A loving smile breaks through her blush as she twists around and pecks him on the lips. “Well when you’re so good at…” she trails off as she looks at him and then glares.

“What?”

“You’re hurt!” Her nose scrunches in irritation. “You promised when you came home that you’d always tell me first thing.” Before he has a chance to answer she’s marched off in the direction of the house, leaving Bucky to scramble after her.

The back door’s screen is just slamming closed when Bucky makes it to the porch. “Baby?”

“Could you put those berries on the counter and come here?” She calls from the bathroom down the hall. He does as asked, popping the snaps of his tactile vest as he goes.

She’s ringing a cloth under a stream of cold water when he enters the room. He sits on the edge of their bathtub and waits to be assaulted by Y/N’s careful but worried hands. And soon enough she’s between his legs, working off his vest and then his undershirt before she examines his chest. “Oh Buck…”

Instead of saying anything he pushes his hands against her stomach, which is just starting to form a rounded bump. “I’ll always come back to you, babydoll.”

“I know. I just-,” She presses her cloth to a cut over his abs, making Bucky hiss. Quickly, she grabs a few butterfly bandages and begins pressing them to his side. “I worry.” She bandages him up quite quickly but then takes her time with running the cloth over his face and hands, swiping a battle away from his body. He isn't hurt bad at all but he still lets her fuss over him.

When she’s satisfied with that she forces him into the shower but refuses to join him. Then she insists on trimming his hair while he's still only in a towel. “It’s getting a little shaggy,” she comments. A few months ago he had gotten rid of his long hair. Y/N had both loved his short hair and mourned his long hair. “You were away nearly a month.” And truthfully he loves being doted on by Y/N as her hands were one’s he could always count on to be gentle.

“And I’ll be here for a while now, doll. Don’t wanna miss anything.” Bucky leans up to kiss her softly when she's finished with his hair. “I missed you too much anyways.”

Y/N pulls away and looks into his eyes, “Are you hurt anywhere else?”

“No.”

“Good. I’m going to make pie now. Are you sure the team are okay with you being away?”

He pulls her back to his lap, pushing his arms around her waist to hold her close, “If anything life changing happens they all know where I’ll be. They’re coming around to visit in the next couple days anyways. Natasha is worried I’m neglecting you.”

Y/N grins, “Well you have been.”

“Hey!” She’s out of his lap and across the room.

“Take a nap Buck. The pie will be done when you wake.” And then she darts away.

Bucky smiles softly and then yells, voice panicked, “Don’t run!”

 

~

 

When Bucky wakes in Y/N’s bedroom its dark. He reaches over for her but she isn’t there. “Baby?”

“I’m here Buck.” She comes to stand in the doorway, a candle guttering in her hand, casting a gentle golden glow. With the candle in her hands she lights the others she had set around the room.

“What’re you up to?” He asks stretching his arms back before folding them behind his head.

She shrugs and comes closer to the bed, her body surrounded in a soft yellow glow. “I love you. And I missed you and I want to show you how much.”

That’s got his attention as she climbs on the bed and straddles his naked waist. She rolls her hips a few times and giggles, “Sleeping naked huh?”

“Paid off didn’t it?” He smirks and then presses his hands to her belly. “Are you allowed to-,”

She rolls her eyes, “Yes. Nothing to worry about.”

“Okay.” His hands slide up her thighs and under her dress before he smirks and changes his mind. He takes his hands away from her hips and instead slides them up her arms to the straps of her dress, slipping them off her shoulders before he hooks a finger in the material covering her breasts and tugs downward. They bounce free as Y/N gives a desperate little mewl, her back arching.

He pauses, eyes darkening. “Sensitive?”

Bucky looks up from her stiffened nipples to meet her eyes and is alarmed to find tears there. “A-a little more sensitive t-than usual.”

“Oh, sweetheart I’m sorry.” He whispers, cupping one hand behind her neck, rubbing soothing circles on her arm with the other.

“No, no, it’s okay.” She squirms in his lap, his hardening cock against her damp underwear. “You just have to be careful. It can feel really good or really painful.” And then more tears pool in her eyes, “I’m sorry. I’m still getting used to my body changing. Weird things hurt.” Her voice is ashamed, embarrassed.

Gently he cups her breasts and shakes his head, “You are carrying our baby. You have nothing to apologize for. And none of it is _weird_.” He brushes his thumbs over her nipples carefully, this time drawing a soft moan from her. “Better?” She nods, eyes closed, mouth open, head tipped back. “Tell me what you want baby. I’m back. I’m here for you.” The candlelight gives her a halo as she sits above him, making her look ethereal.

She leans down and presses her mouth to his in a passionate kiss. “Wanna take care of you.”

“Mmm, okay doll.”

He puts his hands on her hips and encourages her to grind down onto his length. “That’s it, sweetheart.” His lips part and his head falls back on the pillow. “Good girl.” They're both overly sensitive from their time apart and she feels so good and warm against him.

Y/N whines and grinds a little harder. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Y/N.” Bucky’s hands go back to her breasts, massaging gently until she’s trembling, on the verge of falling over the edge of her pleasure. “God, doll, you weren’t kidding.”

She only whines again.

“Are you gonna come, doll? Just from this?”

Y/N leans down and presses her forehead to his. “Told you I’m sensitive.”

“I think I like that.” His fingers go to her clit, rubbing teasing circles there, edging her on.

She grinds slower against his length and his fingers. “I just missed you so much.” A sob suddenly rips out of her throat as Y/N is overcome with emotion. “I made pie for you.”

Bucky grips her hips and flips them over gently. He sits back on his knees to wiggle her dress off her hips, and to slowly work off her panties. “I missed you too.”

“I know…I’m just-just pregnant.”

“That doesn’t mean you aren’t feeling a certain way.” He leans down and presses his mouth to her very slightly rounded belly. “I’m here now. I won’t miss anything else.” Bucky looks up at her, “Darcy told me after I left the debrief how sick you’ve been with morning sickness. And heartbroken. And emotional.” He kisses her stomach again as her hand threads through his hair.

A particular hard tug has him looking up and then meeting her lips. “Buck.”

“Hm?”

“Need you.” She whimpers, “I don’t want to be left behind.”

“No, never doll.” He slips a hand between her legs. “Hm, let me make you feel good. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here when you needed me to be.” Fingertips tease her folds before his thumbs strokes over her clit.

She moans and bucks her hips into his hand, “Please don’t tease me. I need you.”

“C’mon, sweetheart, let me take care of you.” He whispers, “I’m here now. I didn’t want to go, baby.”

She reaches between them and guides him to her entrance. The stretch is a little painful, her body different and changing only three months into her pregnancy. “Go slow.”

“I know, I know.”

Her fingers dig into the flesh on her back, scrabbling at the thick muscle as he pumps slowly in and out of her. Tears roll down her cheeks. “I’m sorry I’m like this.”

“You’re perfect and needy and so am I. And I love you for all of it.” He thrusts a little harder, his mouth trailing kisses over her neck and shoulders. “If I could be with you all the time,” he pulls back to look into her eyes. “I would be.”

His hips rolls into hers slowly as he leans down and wraps his mouth around one pert nipple, her small whimpers edging him on. He lets go with a lewd pop and kisses her harshly.

Neither of them are sure how long it lasts as they match kiss for kiss, swallow breath for breath, and match every roll of the hips with a thrust from the other.

They come nearly at the same time and Bucky is careful to hold himself away from her. “I love you.”

He rolls away from her and pulls her to his chest. “I love you,” he says again. “I love you and I love our baby. And I’m right here.”

“And you always know where to find me.”

“Yes, I do. And you don’t know how grateful I am for that. To have a person to go home to.” Y/N’s arms wrap around his back as she presses her mouth into his neck, humming happily and biting only a little. “The team is coming tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

“They’re all going to want to touch you,” He growls, his fingers already protectively on her stomach.

She giggles as his arms tighten around her slightly. “I know.”

“I won’t like it.”

Y/N closes her eyes and kisses him all over his face, anywhere she can reach. “I know. But we’ll be okay. We’ll be together. I’ll be okay.”

“You have to,” he whispers. “You have to be okay. I don't know what I'd do if something happened-,”

“I’m okay. I’m here.”

He sighs against her, “See? Just as needy as you.”

Y/N sniffles, eyes fluttering closed. “Love you.”

Bucky pushes some of her hair away from her face and kisses her temple. “I love you too.” His hand is on her stomach. “Love you so much, my sunshines.”


End file.
